Written while I was still single and living in a small house that had a pest problem.

Pursuant to Public Information Act 421

Excerpts of correspondence between the terrorist factions Rogue Antiestablishment Territorial Scum (R.A.T.S.) and Radical Order of Area Contaminators and Hierarchy of Effluence Stink (R.O.A.C.H.E.S.) currently operating in the district of Lot 10-Veraville Town Homes, otherwise known as my house.

Day 57

R.A.T.S.: The extensive floor plans you provided us have proved to be very useful as is your dossier regarding the Enemy’s living arrangements. We couldn’t care much for your observations regarding the fragrance of his foot coverings – that is your territory, dear fellows, use the information to your advantage. The rest of your report is of immense aid to us, however, and we are especially delighted to learn that the Enemy rarely inhabits the lower sections of his palace during evenings. We have concluded that a night time operation is in order so as to maximize this advantage and reach our objectives in the shortest time possible.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: Many lives were sacrificed to attain those plans. Battalion 3006 suffered immense casualties at the hands (or should we say feet) of the Infidel. We pray for victory in your upcoming undertaking. Our operatives are on standby should you need any further surveillance. And please be reminded of our sentries posted at the Pit of Refuse which, as noted in the dossier, is to the west of your entry point. Please see to it that no harm comes to them.

Day 62

R.A.T.S.: Operation “Kitchen Scout” has been a mighty success. Acting on your comprehensive dossier our top agents have managed to infiltrate the Enemy’s residential palace by way of the back door and have identified a safe route from our entry point to the Food Platform and back. We have also discovered a major Used Garment deposit tucked under a second platform and will utilize it as a rendezvous for successive missions.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: We are pleased to hear that you have finally penetrated the Infidel’s quarters. We advise caution, however, as he is wary of sudden movement and is known for instant retaliation. Should you encounter him during your mission we recommend instant withdrawal of troops. Our operatives fall victim to him everyday. But no matter; we are blessed with an unparalleled reproduction and training facility where soldiers are constantly formed and readied for battle. If your mission allows you, drop by the Drainage Area adjacent to the Pit of Refuse – there you will find our secret, state-of-the-art Breeding Clinic.

Day 64

R.A.T.S.: Thank you for your continued insights. As you know Operation “Kitchen Attack” is well underway and though our movement is guarded we have achieved many victories. Two of our agents have managed to sample a large quantity of dough and have also brought back to base a sheet of soiled packaging. Our chemical experts have confirmed that the dark brown substance is of high nutrition and intensely saccharine. The downside is that after ingesting the substance many of our operatives become edgy and begin to squeal a lot. We approach Phase II of “Kitchen Attack” with reduced numbers as many of us have had to remain underground to recover from these dire side affects.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: The substance you referred to in your last report has been a staple of our regiment for many years now. The Infidel unwittingly supplies us with a great life source! It will be to his downfall. And yes, it is a highly stimulating ration that almost always enhances our ability to stay awake throughout our campaigns.

A word of caution though: the Infidel also possesses a stockpile of a similar looking brown substance that is kept in a marked container on the shelf. It is shipped into what we refer to as the Infidel’s “Morning Drum” where it is mixed with hot water and another substance that we know as “Sweet Crystals”. The Infidel consumes this mixture on a regular basis. We think it is the key to his longevity.

One of our agents attempted to test the substance during a recent mission into the Infidel’s “Morning Drum” left in the “Bay of Waste”, this delightful area that is an apparent depot for used containers. Unfortunately our agent but became highly agitated upon ingesting the substance. We had no option but to leave him flying incoherently around the palace, slamming his body into the walls. We had hoped to salvage him at some stage and get him out of harm’s way but could only watch in sorrow as the Infidel claimed his life with a strange weapon best described as a thick sheet of human reading material rolled into a tube.

However, the crazed excitement our agent caused the Infidel was inspiring to observe; he seemed extremely agitated and upset by the rash, albeit embarrassing demonstration by our poor brother. We therefore treat our agent’s demise as a victory and are now working on ways to use that particular substance to our benefit.

Day 69

R.A.T.S.: We have come across a rather annoying turn of events. The Enemy has learned of our activities and has shielded our entry point with a slab of hardened pulp. Operation “Provision Raid” has been put on hold while our engineers bore through this obstacle.

It must be admitted that this is entirely our fault – one of our agents accidentally tipped over a series of empty canisters under the Drainage Area you suggested we visit. Thus the Enemy was alerted to our presence.

We did manage to glimpse your Breeding Facility, however, and commend you on the extent of your reproduction programs. Perhaps you would be so kind as to one day train us in this vital area – we would very much like to step up the production of our reinforcements.

In the meantime can you provide us with a set of eyes inside the palace so we can be prepared for any further adjustments when we resume our mission?

Day 73

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: Enclosed is our report on the current state of affairs within the palace. As you have been busy drilling through the entry blockage our soldiers have discovered a stash of black plastic and what appears to be a large yellow papyrus of some description. Our intelligence suggests that this is a defense mechanism of some sort. We advise you to be on Code Red alert when you finally resume operations.

Day 75

R.A.T.S.: We are pleased to report that Operation “Back Door” has come to a highly successful conclusion. The material used to block our passage was exceptionally thin and our engineers had little trouble in boring through. “Kitchen Raid” will recommence in approximately 480 minutes.

In heeding your warning regarding possible Enemy defense we have sent out a Mission Objectifier for Unaccounted Snares and Entrapments. This agile cousin of ours will report on any new hazards we might have to deal with.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: We congratulate you on the success of Operation “Back Door”.

We are monitoring your progress and will time a separate mission once you have reached your own objectives. We are currently mobilizing units for another concentrated excursion into the Pit of Refuse. Please be advised of our somewhat large presence.

We also wish to inform you of our ongoing daytime exercises in the Infidel’s sleeping quarters. Our special suicide operatives regularly take to inserting themselves between the Infidel’s night covers and have cost him many hours of broken sleep of which we are most proud.

Day 76

R.A.T.S.: It is a sad day for all members of the Rogue Antiestablishment Territorial Scum. It has been reported that the Mission Objectifier for Unaccounted Snares and Entrapments has fallen victim to a rather crude but effective defense mechanism duly installed by the Enemy along critical passageways in the palace. Before we could get to examine it ourselves the Enemy retrieved the mechanism, along with the agent’s body, and disposed of them at an undisclosed location outside.

Furthermore the agent’s capture has led to a blockage reinforcement of our main entry point. Our engineers were on the scene at once but have determined that the new obstruction is much denser than the previous one installed and it would take a considerable effort to break through it.

Therefore we formally announce a temporary suspension of Operation “Kitchen Raid”. We will now focus our energies on the neighboring household and hope that the opposition there will not be as clever. Feel free to continue your own activities. We continue to welcome your support although, by nature of our design, we cannot pledge our unconditional loyalty to your cause. We hope you understand.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: It is unfortunate that your special operative came to such demise. But it is worth remembering that many of our soldiers have succumbed to a similar fate.

The defense mechanism you referred to is a common trap primarily designed to capture Fellows of the Legion of Internal Exploration and Soaring. This is the yellow papyrus we discovered amongst the Infidel’s armory. FYI it is designed to adhere to its victims thus rendering them immobile until certain death. It is advised that you archive this information for future reference.

As for us we shall continue our day and night operations as is the norm. Thousands of fresh recruits sign up daily in our cause against the Infidel and we intend to continue our conflict until he bows and retreats in shame. His arrogance seems to be growing as our intelligence suggests that he has acquired Weapons of Mass Destruction to use against us in our struggle. These are in the form of large shiny canisters that emit deadly fumes when employed. We are undeterred, of course, and hope to build our own WMD once we’ve acquired sufficient knowledge.

Brothers, we shall keep you informed of our victories. Do not let these setbacks deter you from your goals. We shall triumph yet.